So I didn’t post regular updates like I originally wanted to. I think that’s mostly because I was too depressed to think about it all enough to write it down.
My recovery has not gone anywhere near what the common recovery is for spinal fusion. I ended up having a second surgery four weeks after the first to repair my unhealed incision. Not to mention the massive nerve pain I’ve had in my right leg since surgery, and the numbness in my left leg…making it near impossible to do any therapeutic walking exercises. I can barely walk to the bathroom, not to mention sitting long enough to use it…or standing long enough to shower.
And I’ve learned a lot about dignity, and when you need to set it aside for awhile. This is not a pretty recovery…not that any are..but this one is particularly…unpretty. When you need assistance to do the most basic human physical tasks…you learn a lot about what real love and patience looks like…and who the people are in your life that really matter. I’m crying as I write this, because the truth of those words overwhelms me when I think of them.
This whole experience also makes me think about my mortality almost everyday, and growing old. How, at 40, I’m experiencing things that our relatives go through who are in nursing homes…and the desolation they must feel at times. Feeling so helpless to do the simplest things…being so dependent on others to live through the day. It pains me to think that anyone ever has to go through that. But I digress.
I have six weeks before I go back to the neurosurgeon for a follow up. In the meantime, I’ll be starting on four weeks of physical therapy. I would really love to be mobile and healed enough to go back to work after that…but if not, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. The little goals are the easiest to meet, and right now my first little goal is to feel well enough to go back to my own home, instead of depending on my parents during the day. I miss my home, my back deck, my garden, my cat Panther, and I hate that Nik is so out of his normal routine. And most of all, I hate that Aaron has to work six days a week, only to have to come home and spend the evening taking care of me. I know he’s exhausted. He’s gone above and beyond, and I couldn’t imagine going through this without him.
Well, I guess I should try going to sleep. It’s 3:36 am. That’s another thing…during a major recovery, with lots of meds, your sleep schedule gets completely messed up.
Ah well. Good morning…and here’s to a relatively pain-free Monday.
Woke up this morning with the normal excruciating pain, along with an uncomfortable pressure at my incision site. But I took my meds and did some sway-in-place warmups and was surprisingly able to do about six laps between the bedrooms up here.
But then I hurt too much to sit down and pee, so I’ll just try that later.
And I still feel like I was hit by a bus. Have had no discernable improvement whatsoever since I got home from hospital. I am so frustrated and angry and tired of the pain. I just want to be able to sit long enough to eat a meal, and stand long enough to take a damn shower.
Have to go in Friday to get my stitches out, but honestly have no idea how I’m gonna make the car ride, since the piriformis pain is so intense I can’t even sit longer than two minutes before blasting right past the ten on the pain scale.
Really hoping to turn some kind of corner here soon.
For posterity. Day two after surgery.
Surgery day was a blur for the most part. I do remember checking in early, and bring in pre op area with Aaron for about a hour or so. Then they rolled me into surgery and put a breathing mask on me…and that was all she wrote until I woke up after surgery in recovery area. That was a blur too.
After being put in my room, the rest of the day was mostly sleeping, interspersed with nurses waking me up for meds, pills and vitals. Mom, Aaron, Alex and Krista were all there.
One restless night later, day two was spent trying to gain some strength. Pt came and had me walk down the hall and try to sit on the chair. Unfortunately, there its major nerve pain in my left leg that wasn’t there before surgery, and I can barely walk because of it. Have decreased strength in that leg. Its maddening. I know I just had surgery and it may heal with time. Just really hope it does, and fast. If it keeps like this, I’ll be in crutches instead of a cane. :(
On a good note, Nik is coming to visit me today. :)
Got the call from the hospital, have to be there at 5 am tomorrow. Guess that means I’ll be first in line, I hope.
Nothing to eat or drink after midnight. Guess I better eat decent today!
I seriously need a nap about now, though. My nerves are tiring me out the past couple of days.
Sitting here in the living room, relaxing with my best little man, watching All About Monster Trucks once again. Loving the time I have this day with Nik, before the long journey of recovery after spinal fusion tomorrow.
Started to get things packed for the stay at moms afterwards, but having second thoughts. Some people tend to overreact to situations and end up causing hurt and extra stress. Maybe healing on my own will be better for me. Hell, I’ve always been on my own in healing, why change now?
Gonna wait for the call from the hospital with my surgery time. Back to monster trucks with Nik!!
So with four days left, today (yesterday) was my last day at work. I was able to get everything wrapped up that I needed to and my boss left met out a little early, which was much appreciated.
I picked up Nik and we went to dinner at Panera, then came home and relaxed a bit before he passed out from exhaustion. Poor little dude has been so tired this week because of Aarons second shift schedule.
And I’m afraid his schedule will be a little more messed up during and after the surgery, since we’ll be staying at my moms for a couple weeks.
Hopefully he’ll adjust quickly.
This is what upsets me the most, disrupting Nik. Plus the fact that I won’t be able top pick him up or hold him for a few weeks. I live to hug and cuddle with my baby boy, and this will be agony for me.
Here’s hoping recovery goes quickly!